Not Longing for this world

I think when I reflect on my life I only feel sorry for people I interacted with. Those who ever knew me is like I cursed them ever having to ever speak with me. I keep going and yet no one has played hero to rid me of this world. I’m a virus, a sting, a stench on society. I cannot ever harm others or harm myself but I fantasize someone pointing a gun at me and I beg them to aim high and shoot to be the hero. It may never happen because I am a survivor, like a cockroach I guess.

No, but what I honestly do wish is that I see people look at me in disgust. Actually that happens already… Maybe moree like anger and disappointed too, just really unhappy to be around me. Nice people should avoid me like the plague as well. Or just don’t be nice to me….

How much I hate myself

This month I proved myself that I am total loser. Quit another job because once again I am so hard on myself. All I had to do was do a 90 degree back with a 53’ trailer and I just couldn’t. I got lucky in other areas… sure but I just couldn’t figure it out. I don’t deserve having a Class A license. Why do I have it? What’s the point of anything I do? I have no goals and no more hobbies. All I ever wanted was to be love by someone so I can actually try and do things, but how, when people are disgusted by my presence. I suffer from severe visual disorder (ugly as all hell.)

I hate myself so much, so so much. I feel so sorry for anyone who knows me. I see no worth in the world anymore. I literally ran out of f***s to give.

Clouded Mind

Last night I had a dream… A dream of reality how people are automatically hating me and disliking me. It felt too real to how I actually feel in real life. I’m yet somehow bothered by the idea of it. However I have accepted it as it to be the only real truth I live for. Know me or not, my very presence is disturbing, troubling, negative and weighs down peoples mood. Rejection is the only thing I am used too, it is in my nature of this life on Earth. The fact that anyone allows me in their own home or welcoming to be apart of their life is brave.

The point when I get a hint of happiness I am immediately reminded how much of a piece of crap I am. Oh no, don’t be fooled, even if I treat people with kindness, go out of my way helping others, I am viewed by as a terrible person who deserves NOTHING. And why should I deserve anything? A kind gestor are for the suckers who like myself only ask for any kind of slight attention. But a person like huh shouldn’t ever need it. Why would I need it? I’m a pushover after all. All I care about is myself, right? It happens more often to me then anyone. No, seriously, here, I have the formula and this is DEAD TRUE. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. WITHOUT. FAIL.

Me shows interest in person—>Person shows interest back—>Conversations Goes well—>talk for a long time and everything is good—>I offer helping whatever they need because its the right thing to do—>person accepts help—>person slows all the way down and stops—>I inquire of said person what’s wrong. I AM GHOSTED WITH NO EXPLAINATION.

This happens 10/10 times… not 5/10 not 9/10 but literally 10/10 times! I’m used and heart broken every time. People only want to hurt me. I’m just a punching bag, a “practice doll,” a thing, not even a person. I honestly feel so sorry for anyone who thinks I am a “person” worth knowing. Having myself put effort into anything is a sign of survival and nature instincts. Humans are made to seek companionship, so its really hard for me shut everything out when laws of nature call for it. The flight or fight kicks in every time.

I have a terrible nasty personality that works a lot like a tumor that no one wants. Another example is a lot like a mother rejecting their off springs. I have accepted that I am the undesirable and unwanted by all walks of life. Everything has lead me here. Nothing can turn a stone for me anymore. Not therapy, not friends, jobs or anybody. I’m so far gone that my soul and heart are not there. I’m an empty shell. My best advice to anyone, is probably run at the sight of seeing me. My own offspring died, I never even had a chance to be a father like I always wanted, it was robbed because of me… 4 miscarriages, huh, that ship sailed a long time ago.

I am just so sick and tired, mentally drained and exhausted that rejections is the only thing I have going for me.

Sunday Blues

I awake on the early hours March 3rd to rubbing my eyes and facing my day with no real goal but to wait for the day to end already. My new job awaits me tomorrow, thrilled that I don’t have to face reality of unemployment for much longer. Reflecting on my last job and helping it get started I thought I did a positive but turned out it was my fault it all failed. My previous experience got them to where they want to, which was logging out of the woods, huh, but somehow it prompt the inexperienced manager to see that was a good sign when in reality despite the many warning signs and discussions we had it was ignored and pushed us into a danger situation. That is why I left my last job, ignoring the job and pushing the drivers in dangerous situations.

I cleaned my room for the most part in the night before, organizing and putting things away, its a start but it reeks in miserable decay as I have not been taking great care for myself. Maybe one day, maybe one day…. maybe one day. Looking at myself in the mirror is just not possible. I’m nothing but an anchor for people. I only did one good deed but after that I retreat into my bitter and hermit self. Why do people take the time of day to know me? I just don’t understand. My friends think I am a very nice person and always go out of my way helping others, yes true but its really an excuse to not help myself. I always viewed others come before me.

When I almost slipped off the mountain at work one time, I was not worried of me, I was worried about my passenger as I almost killed him and myself.

And so I begin…

It’s March 2nd, 2024, 7 months away from my 34th Birthday on this planet. Today I started this website in hopes that I can write down my life and share my experiences. Admittedly as I sit here in my small and darkened room in a small town adjacent to a even bigger town Corvallis, OR — A.I find’s a way to easily almost describe my life in just a few passages as outlined in the About Page, funny how an A.I can do this.. Almost scary really how A.I is moving at an alarming rate, like as if Skynet from the terminator movie is growing ever closer to reality… by the way anyone know a John Connor? We should probably find him and protect that dude at all costs. Haha

I digress, I don’t know, I suppose I wanted to create this personal journey site to reflect my life into words like I have never done before. Perhaps there may be people out there who could be slightly interested in my life, even if it’s a tiny bit or a sign of mutual feelings I have for life. I don’t dread life as much anymore, but most days I get in a really bad “funk” and my go to is to “shut down.” The worst part of that is there is no one there to help me walkthrough it. My person, my partner in life to help stabilize it, to reassure stuff will be okay. Looking for “love” again is a lot of hard work, like being thrown in the deep end with no way to swim out, because once you are there you tend to sink to the bottom where there is only miles of sand. As much as you want to swim up to join everyone else that’s keeping afloat, the abyss wants to keep dragging you down further and further… and further.

For the past three and a half years I have been working on myself, I took therapy for a short while, two months to be exact, one session per week for eight weeks. Although it helped somewhat, I just revert to a bitter and bland person. An NPC (non-playable character) in this world — and to be honest that’s most of us, I’d rather be that then have Main Character Syndrome, a narcissist or person who is only fueled by attention seeking. However, it’s hypocritical of me to state that because I am creating a personal blog about myself, so where does this place me? I’m not so sure, but I know we are social creatures so we have to have some sort of line of communication and true thought to share our lives.

I’m getting tired as I created this late into the evening, but I want to leave on a memorable quote that I like to live by that helps remind me why I keep moving everyday and not let everything bring me down.

"It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!”

— Rocky Balboa sharing his life's wisdom in Rocky Balboa Movie