Clouded Mind

Last night I had a dream… A dream of reality how people are automatically hating me and disliking me. It felt too real to how I actually feel in real life. I’m yet somehow bothered by the idea of it. However I have accepted it as it to be the only real truth I live for. Know me or not, my very presence is disturbing, troubling, negative and weighs down peoples mood. Rejection is the only thing I am used too, it is in my nature of this life on Earth. The fact that anyone allows me in their own home or welcoming to be apart of their life is brave.

The point when I get a hint of happiness I am immediately reminded how much of a piece of crap I am. Oh no, don’t be fooled, even if I treat people with kindness, go out of my way helping others, I am viewed by as a terrible person who deserves NOTHING. And why should I deserve anything? A kind gestor are for the suckers who like myself only ask for any kind of slight attention. But a person like huh shouldn’t ever need it. Why would I need it? I’m a pushover after all. All I care about is myself, right? It happens more often to me then anyone. No, seriously, here, I have the formula and this is DEAD TRUE. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. WITHOUT. FAIL.

Me shows interest in person—>Person shows interest back—>Conversations Goes well—>talk for a long time and everything is good—>I offer helping whatever they need because its the right thing to do—>person accepts help—>person slows all the way down and stops—>I inquire of said person what’s wrong. I AM GHOSTED WITH NO EXPLAINATION.

This happens 10/10 times… not 5/10 not 9/10 but literally 10/10 times! I’m used and heart broken every time. People only want to hurt me. I’m just a punching bag, a “practice doll,” a thing, not even a person. I honestly feel so sorry for anyone who thinks I am a “person” worth knowing. Having myself put effort into anything is a sign of survival and nature instincts. Humans are made to seek companionship, so its really hard for me shut everything out when laws of nature call for it. The flight or fight kicks in every time.

I have a terrible nasty personality that works a lot like a tumor that no one wants. Another example is a lot like a mother rejecting their off springs. I have accepted that I am the undesirable and unwanted by all walks of life. Everything has lead me here. Nothing can turn a stone for me anymore. Not therapy, not friends, jobs or anybody. I’m so far gone that my soul and heart are not there. I’m an empty shell. My best advice to anyone, is probably run at the sight of seeing me. My own offspring died, I never even had a chance to be a father like I always wanted, it was robbed because of me… 4 miscarriages, huh, that ship sailed a long time ago.

I am just so sick and tired, mentally drained and exhausted that rejections is the only thing I have going for me.