From 2014 to 2016 I was living in two places. One was a garage that belonged to my cousin’s friend then I lived rent free in an apartment for a couple more months with my cousin and his girlfriend. I worked at a Grocery Store eventually after a few months of being unemployed because it was really hard to find work in a rural area. I also left my Jeep up in Washington as I had to sell it there to get fast cash for the move to Oregon at the time. After almost a year working there with no car and a walk to work day in and day out with nobody but myself and my cousin, a new person came into his life which down the road became his wife. Little did I know that this person was going to be the end of a long friendship of my cousin. I was 25 years old and looking for a potential partner, after months of griding through dating apps like OkDokie I found a person that I fell head over heels for, Aliyah. We began chatting back and forth, then eventually phone text/call. We had our first date at a McDonalds restaurant, could you believe it? We had a lot in common. As the months past in 2016 we grew closer together. I quit the grocery store and helped the elderly. Then quit again I went back to doing security, sticking to what I know. Myself, Aliyah, and her closest friend rented a place of our own. I stayed doing security for a few years until me and Aliyah got our own place together. During that time we thought we could open our relationship to discover same sex experimentation. That was not a good idea for me, but in favor of Aliyah it worked for her in the end it seems.

The Pandemic in 2020 left everything rotten in our soul, we left the park in the very beginning of the world wide pandemic known as COVID-19. At first we left home for vacation and see family, but as we visited, the world as we knew changed, everything went from the bustling economy to everything being on lockdown. Everyone was in quarantine regardless if you were sick or not. This lasted a near 3 months of stuck in my cousins and his wife’s apartment along with Aliyah. After lockdown we went back to the park. We stayed for another 2 months during before we decided we wanted to go home for good. We arranged to live in the basement of a close friend of ours if we renovated it to be livable. In that time I fell into a deep worry for my future with my current relationship. With the betrayal and questions regarding our relationships I can see it slipping away. My depression was on a steep decline knowing that what she did was not ok and I had to bottle it up, it was crippling me. After I landed a job at the mill and then loosing it due to some dumb factor where the supervisor had it in for me I decided to apply for a Grant to get my CDL Class A License. I was granted the grant and went to trucking school. Once I had my CDL I wanted to keep it local however it was hard without over the road experience. In the midst of me getting my CDL we adopted a dog named Pensie. She was the sweetest thing and closest thing we had to a child.

A shroud of gloomy weather covered my entire life in one instance that reassembled into nothingness. Beyond nothingness, as if nothingness itself didn’t want anything to do with me. My whole existence from my years in high school was altered to feel this way, total numb and moving with zero purpose. I asked myself on many of occasions why I didn’t just give it all up? Where will I ever find pleasure or joy anymore? Why is it I seek companionship so badly?
The type of questions I ponder all the time with no answer in sight. After the breakup I cried endlessly for hours, everyday for weeks that turned into months. Then it happened… one of my other closest fears of so called friendship ended in a blink of an eye. My punishment was full on renouncement of myself, to finally end things so that they would never have to care for me again. A move that would set forth that I projected my issues as they were part of the problem so it would make them feel that I was the problem. I nearly escaped, borrowed my Grandmothers RV and ran away from my problems. It wasn’t until I moved out and visited my grandmother that things I once owned was now bought and liquidated by my own flesh and blood, which I lost all respect of regaining any friendship with my cousin.

So now it is 2019, we have mutually decided to leave Oregon behind us for a whole year. After a little doubt and pushback on me because I was not 100% on board with it. We moved to Arizona to work at a real well known National Park, Aliyah and I. We sped through California, Nevada and landed on our destination of Arizona. Before we went to the park we spent a camping night at the camp grounds near the freeway. That next morning we made our way up and checked in. We were given a couples room due to our relationship status.

There is a reason why I changed her real name to Aliyah in this story, because to me, if said in a certain way it sounds like “A Liar” with a thick New York Accent. And that is exactly what she did, she lied. She committed infidelity.

We were engaged before we went to the park and promised each other to keep the relationship monogamous. However in the dead of night one time while laying together, she proceeded to text someone. Curious why she was still on her phone I quietly looked over her shoulder and would not believe my eyes. I watched for a couple minutes in disbelief. On the context of the text messaging I confronted her and asked her why she is talking with someone saying they “love each other" etc. She then again promised not to do it again after confronting her. But this was what started the chain reaction of a relationship going down hill.

It’s March/April 2021, the final nail was slammed down on the coffin of our relationship. Me shutting down due to everything clogging up and bottled up came to a crashing halt. She broke it off with me… Love was broken for the first time ever. It was me that threw the relationship down for not confronting my issues first hand, it was me that took the fault that I was not the greatest person. My neglect to fix things was passed it’s threshold and point of no return. All I could think about was my own well being in the moment, the fear of loneliness and slow decay that would begin to rot my very existence and turn the tide for myself into a more darkened person. I shaped myself into this hermit of self loath and self hatred towards myself, viewed and felt mistreated by all other walk of life. Painted as a monster and only to reveal I have nothing going in my life, a dead end, a fast track to a impenetrable brick wall. My self hatred turned into doubt and despair with no remorse looking back as I knew what I had to do at the time. Making friends and connections was a impossible task as I gave off negative and unlikable expression for sake of being there. Unwanted by everyone yet requested to be present as if I was needed in life, to me that was hell. I always wondered why family or people wanted me there if I am clearly a failure and I am obviously looked down on or put in the corner for all events, I’ve had that feeling since I was a kid. Aliyah did the right thing for her own sanity.

I was basically homeless and on the run from myself, there I lay swake with no sleep most days, sad, alone, pathetic, and troubled by my past creeping up and weighing all possibilities to question my very own existence. Working a 40-50 hour job log trucking for a company that gave me the chance to hopefully redeem my self respect.
After saving money and living essentially with no power and a strong desire to put myself on my own feet and starting over, that is exactly what I did. Opportunity presented it self and I took it with no hesitation. I returned the RV and got an apartment for myself. I continued to work hard for freedom all while my past continued to corner me and hold me still. The I found what I thought could have been a companion, a woman, a woman who was stuck like me but a different past. Me, acting as a Samaritan offered her a way out so we can both grow into better people, I thought I could help her cope her situation, but as much as I tried, the love interest was not there and quickly evaporated whatever was left. We talked for a couple weeks and I had her move in with me so she could escape her past just as I did. At first it was working, but then she found love interest in my housemate and cheated. Everyday I had to walk by to the sound of them having sex and the betrayal of any friendship or possible companionship.

This was the final straw, I had to get validation for all this to makes sense, as good as it all seemed I was getting therapy to help with my issues. Promising as it was but affordability was tight and I could only do it for 2 months until I quit. Day in and day out trying to fix my broken mind, piecing together all of it, I was troubled still. I rented a house for a year which helped a bit but still I had nobody. Companions either ghosted me or lost interest within the first month to three months. It’s now 2023 after loosing my rented house due to the land lady wanting to rent out the property for business use, I moved into another shared household where I will live out my days not knowing what will come next. “I failed my self before, why keep going?” I ask myself. That question remains a mystery even to myself. I’m permanently broken and that will never change.

I am what I would describe the living embodiment of Sad Larry from Cyanide and Happiness Animation Cartoon. Ever sad, ever broken, the most unwanted to be around.